article written by: Dan Seitz
If there’s one thing we all know from that hilarious “Sexy Mustard” video, it’s that costumes come in two varieties for women; dumpy and “sexy”. And there’s nothing wrong with a little sex appeal, right? Right? Well, there is when it’s something not remotely sexy. Like for example!
Because the first thing everyone thought, while watching that, was how much they wanted to hump a clownfish.
Hey, you know what’s hilarious? Puns off of diseases where a person slowly starves themselves to death in the pursuit of an impossible ideal established by a cold, uncaring industry that has created ascience has proven most men don’t even find sexy! Also, humping clownfish.
Because that’s what women need, a costume that encourages people to punch them in the face. Doubly so when this is charging fifty freakin’ bucks for what amounts to a workout outfit and a cheesy robe.
That’s the advantage of driving people who have lived in peace for generations off their land, giving them smallpox, and forcing them into abject poverty onto land we don’t want; we don’t have to give a crap about their culture or give them any respect! Hooray! Mindless racism for everybody!
Also, what the hell did they use to light this, because that’s the bluest photo of a pink costume we’ve ever seen.
Sexy Darth Vader
And that DOESN’T involve trying to sexualize a cyborg who used to whine like a five year old. We needed to sexualize Darth Vader? Really? Really? Are we so jaded that we need this?
Yeah, as in “Cinderella”. We know Rule 34 should have inured us to this, especially after the gay Ninja Turtles orgy drawings, but really, what’s unnerving about this image is the kind of damaged human being who is so needy for attention they’ll associate sexuality and childlike imagery. This costume shouldn’t be for sale unless you can point out on the doll where the bad man touched you.
Sexy ‘Harry Potter’
You know what really gets us? The fact that not only are there legions of costumes for adults trying to sexualize children’s entertainment, but the pathetic attempts to get around copyright.
Also, that should really be a Slytherin outfit.
Stop judging us.
We’ll leave it to you to decide what’s the nadir here: the fact that this is supposed to be a bomb costume, the fact that it’s called “She’s the Bomb”, or the fact that this is a couple’s costume:
We want to know what clan she’s a member of, because clearly, she’s been dishonoring it by taking a Bedazzler to her spinning outfit and trading in her katana for a cheap plastic sword.
Yeah, “open” is the word for that.
We will give this “Halloween costume” (sure, right, this isn’t actually for porn stars and strippers) this: at least it’s honest, but we’re not sure that the people buying it in earnest realize the message they’re sending, so we’ll tell them.
Ladies, when men see a costume like this, they’re not thinking how daring and sexy you are: they’re figuring the odds on how easy it’ll be to get into your pants, whether or not they can handle you screaming “Daddy! Daddy!” during the five minutes of grinding in the bathroom, and what their escape plan will be after the inevitable emotional meltdown.